Telling It The Way I See It













The other day I decided to read through my blog so far, and I realised that I started it about this time last year. Suddenly, I felt like time had escaped me! Where has the year gone? Wasn’t my birthday just a month or so back?? The fact that time has passed so quickly actually frightened me!
It then got me to thinking, they say that time flies when you’re having fun, so have I had a fun year? Haha that must be the biggest joke I’ve heard in a long time. Not that it’s all been bad……just the majority. Maybe it’s not so much time flies when you’re having fun, but more of time flies, when you’re flying by the seat of your pants??? Cause that’s how the last 365 days has seemed. That it’s all been non stop, even on my bad days when I couldn’t or wouldn’t get out of bed. Does this make sense to anyone? Or am I sounding like the Crazy Lady again??
I started off by thinking where I was this time last year. Well, I was engaged to the man I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had a job, ok technically I was employed, but was off sick, but still I had a job. Therefore, I had a wage coming in. I’m sure I had just had surgery too, or had one coming up ( I’ve had so many now, I’m really starting to loose track ) So all in all, things could have been alot worse. To recap myself of things, I dug my journal out, the one I stopped writing when I actually started depressing myself with what I was putting down on the pages! Feburary was a bad month for my depression ( or Borderline Personality Disorder as my shrink thinks ) I suppose the good thing about it being February though, is that it’s the shortest month! I honestly felt like I was drowning. Nothing particular was going on, but my paranoia was working overtime, majorly! Ritch couldn’t go to work or even go to a shop without me accusing him of god knows what. How he didn’t leave me first I will never know?? Maybe one day I’ll be able to ask him? The next 3 months weren’t great either as I was back on the hormone injections. Hot flushes, more mood swings, a 3 month long headache ahhhhh what a joyus time…..I don’t think!! If they ever even mention Zolodex ever again to me, I will have to leave the building before they finish the sentance, or you may be seeing me on the news, Wanted for Murder! lol May was the Engagement Party, blimey, that really doesn’t seem that long ago. At the time I never wanted to say anything bad about my relationship, or anything or anyone to do with my relationship. Now though, I realise it’s healthy to show some sort of emotion, and I’m getting better at it I promise 😉 The party was quite a joke to be honest. His family in one area, my mums lot in another area and dads lot in another. It was like being at a school disco where the kids don’t want to mix. The whole night seemed like it was over in half an hour, and the whole time I didn’t eat one thing that I had spent so long making, or even finish my first drink. I was too busy running round trying to make sure everyone was ok and nothing would kick off. unfortunately, we all knew that one of Ritchs brothers would say or do something and true to form one of them did. From that moment on, they were in my bad books permanently! The rest of the year has pretty much ben filled up with Drs appointments and hospital appointments and operations. Great fun huh?!
So where am I know? Well I’m no longer engaged, I don’t have a job, I’ve been told I’ll be in chronic pain for the rest of my life, most likely, until I have a hysterectomy and my depression/BPD still plays havoc with me at times! Why the hell was I on such a downer before?? Jeeees, I had it better then than I do know! I’ve discovered the secret……TIME! Although it may fly by at am alarming rate, it can also be a great healer (yes, I know how cliched I sound right now!) Time is also useful to us to, not just heal things, but those niggely things that will never heal, well we learn how to cope atleast. Yeah we all have off days, some of us worse than others, but we should be grateful for the time we do have. At the point that time scares you, it’s then time to take a step back and actually say to yourself, What The Fuck??? Ok, so things may not always be fun but I would rather it be like that, than to be afraid of ever looking at a calender!!



et cetera