The other day I decided to read through my blog so far, and I realised that I started it about this time last year. Suddenly, I felt like time had escaped me! Where has the year gone? Wasn’t my birthday just a month or so back?? The fact that time has passed so quickly actually frightened me!
It then got me to thinking, they say that time flies when you’re having fun, so have I had a fun year? Haha that must be the biggest joke I’ve heard in a long time. Not that it’s all been bad……just the majority. Maybe it’s not so much time flies when you’re having fun, but more of time flies, when you’re flying by the seat of your pants??? Cause that’s how the last 365 days has seemed. That it’s all been non stop, even on my bad days when I couldn’t or wouldn’t get out of bed. Does this make sense to anyone? Or am I sounding like the Crazy Lady again??
I started off by thinking where I was this time last year. Well, I was engaged to the man I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had a job, ok technically I was employed, but was off sick, but still I had a job. Therefore, I had a wage coming in. I’m sure I had just had surgery too, or had one coming up ( I’ve had so many now, I’m really starting to loose track ) So all in all, things could have been alot worse. To recap myself of things, I dug my journal out, the one I stopped writing when I actually started depressing myself with what I was putting down on the pages! Feburary was a bad month for my depression ( or Borderline Personality Disorder as my shrink thinks ) I suppose the good thing about it being February though, is that it’s the shortest month! I honestly felt like I was drowning. Nothing particular was going on, but my paranoia was working overtime, majorly! Ritch couldn’t go to work or even go to a shop without me accusing him of god knows what. How he didn’t leave me first I will never know?? Maybe one day I’ll be able to ask him? The next 3 months weren’t great either as I was back on the hormone injections. Hot flushes, more mood swings, a 3 month long headache ahhhhh what a joyus time…..I don’t think!! If they ever even mention Zolodex ever again to me, I will have to leave the building before they finish the sentance, or you may be seeing me on the news, Wanted for Murder! lol May was the Engagement Party, blimey, that really doesn’t seem that long ago. At the time I never wanted to say anything bad about my relationship, or anything or anyone to do with my relationship. Now though, I realise it’s healthy to show some sort of emotion, and I’m getting better at it I promise 😉 The party was quite a joke to be honest. His family in one area, my mums lot in another area and dads lot in another. It was like being at a school disco where the kids don’t want to mix. The whole night seemed like it was over in half an hour, and the whole time I didn’t eat one thing that I had spent so long making, or even finish my first drink. I was too busy running round trying to make sure everyone was ok and nothing would kick off. unfortunately, we all knew that one of Ritchs brothers would say or do something and true to form one of them did. From that moment on, they were in my bad books permanently! The rest of the year has pretty much ben filled up with Drs appointments and hospital appointments and operations. Great fun huh?!
So where am I know? Well I’m no longer engaged, I don’t have a job, I’ve been told I’ll be in chronic pain for the rest of my life, most likely, until I have a hysterectomy and my depression/BPD still plays havoc with me at times! Why the hell was I on such a downer before?? Jeeees, I had it better then than I do know! I’ve discovered the secret……TIME! Although it may fly by at am alarming rate, it can also be a great healer (yes, I know how cliched I sound right now!) Time is also useful to us to, not just heal things, but those niggely things that will never heal, well we learn how to cope atleast. Yeah we all have off days, some of us worse than others, but we should be grateful for the time we do have. At the point that time scares you, it’s then time to take a step back and actually say to yourself, What The Fuck??? Ok, so things may not always be fun but I would rather it be like that, than to be afraid of ever looking at a calender!!
This is something I have heard for years, and even say it to people myself. But the last few months has made me realised ‘I really don’t like frogs!!’ When they say you may have to kiss SEVERAL, how many is that?? 1-5?? 6-10?? blimey are we talking 50+??? Am well and truly fed up of frogs!!
I don’t think of myself as a greedy person, what I do believe in is treating people the way you expect to be treated!
Seriously, I don’t understand frogs?? (that’s my new name for those dodgy men out there) I don’t get how they can lie so easily? I don’t get how they find it acceptable to treat a woman like something they just wiped off the bottom of their shoe, or worse? How they can sleep around behind someone’s back, and have no remorse what so ever?? The ones who are only with you for what they can get out of you?? These frogs are the lowest of lows! and I def have seen all types.
What happened to Romance? Monogamy?? There seems to be a new breed of frogs for the 20th century….The Prick Frog! The ones who lure you in with every promise under the sun, then never deliver and make you feel like the biggest mug going! All woman have had one of these new breeds, in my case, I’ve had far too many!
Like I said, I’m not a greedy person and after 27 years on this earth, I know that princes don’t actually exist, but how hard is it to find someone who will ; treat you with respect, hug you when your down, love you unconditionally, turn down those other woman for you, someone who will protect me, that won’t throw anything back in my face, someone who def would never lay a finger on me. Someone who will put me first. The guy that will treat me like a princess. Surely that’s not alot to ask, but apparently, in the 20th century, it is!! All they are after is how much they can get from you, and how soon, just so they can have a brag. Def beginning there could be something to this whole no sex till after your married! May go with that I think, then no one will get the wrong idea about me, and I won’t get stuck with a Prick Frog again!
I could rant on and on for hours, but it won’t ever change a thing! These frogs will always be frogs and it’s best to just stay away from them full stop. Hell I think I’d rather be single for the rest of my life if it means not having to deal with one of these types of creeps ever again.
Maybe they should just take a step back and think. You may have a daughter one day, and how would you feel if they met a guy that treated them like that. Food for thought huh………
This has to be one of my ‘All Time Great Sayings’. Mainly because it’s so true, but it can be taken in two ways…..well I think it can be anyway 😛
On the one hand, it can mean you have brilliant family, but should maybe be slightly more aware of the kind of company you keep.
On the other though, it can mean that ATLEAST you can pick your friends as the family you have, shall we say, leave a lot to be desired!
Mainly if I say it, it’s because someone in my family has really wound me up ( love you all really!! ) But no matter what happens they are still my family, and maybe more people should have a better tolerance with family members, because they’re the only ones you’re ever going to have!
Family is very important to me. I would do absolutely anything for my mum, dad, step parents, brother and sisters ( well most of them haha ). I can’t explain how I feel inside if someone upsets them. It’s like a massive rage boils up inside me to the point, that whoever has upset them, is better off staying out of my way or their head may end up somewhere the sun doesn’t shine lol. The worst thing is though, it doesn’t feel like a natural feeling. Not that you shouldn’t, I mean it actually scares me!! I remember speaking to my dad ages and ages ago ad he said he had been into a furniture store, a heated discussion started and as my dad was walking out, the Sales Assistant called him something very unpleasant. As soon as he told me this, my first thought was to go up to said furniture store and see how the guy liked having ‘not nice’ stuff said to him. Then it got to, if I go up there, heads will roll, then it moves on to the upset. Bet you’re all thinking I’m mad now. But seriously I ended up crying cause of it all and how bad it made me feel that someone had upset my family. Even when I was younger I was the same though. I can’t remember exactly what had happened but when I was in secondary school, I somehow found out that my sister had an argument or something, or someone had a go at her. Now she may be 3 years older than me, but I made a point to go up to this girl and tell her, never to speak to my sister like that ever again. I do remember swearing a lot, cause the older girl kept threatening to tell my mum that I had sworn, so I’m guessing I was proberly only about 12 at the time. Maybe I feel overly protective of them all, even my older brother whose 5 years older than me, I worry about him all the time. I like to check his girlfriends out, make sure they are ok for him haha.
All in all, I love my family to bits……..although there are times I could quite happily kill some of them haha. My older sister, Lyndsey and me have never quite seen eye to eye on pretty much everything. In fact if we weren’t related I know I’m not the sort of person she would pick as a friends and visa versa. We would argue like mad about anything pretty much, until normally one of us ended up in tears. Our Grandma always said to us, that as we grew up, we would become better friends and realise how important we are to each other and actually grow to ‘like’ each other. She may have had a slight point. Ok, we are certainly not best pals, but I think we have a better tolerance with each other now haha. We can last about 20 minutes in the room together now, as opposed to 10, before one of us is in tears lol, and I’m pretty sure Lyndsey doesn’t have to pretend one of us is dying in 24 hrs anymore just to be nice to me hahaha (hmmmmmm I will double-check though)
So where am I going with all this?? Ummmmmmm not 100% sure now haha (it is 4:15 AM though) Ah, ok, so really I’m wondering. If you could pick your family, would you?
I have my own ‘Famous Family’ (please someone else have one too or I will sound mad!!) My famous family, is pretty much what it says on the tin! It’s who my family would be if I could pick famous people. So my dad, would have to be Ray Liotta. I mean come on, how cool would he be to have as a dad. Know one would EVER mess with you!! Then Sarah Jessica Parker would be an awesome aunt and Tommy Lee Jones would be a fantastic Grandpa….so on and so on, you get the idea. This is just a little game I play with myself though. Then the more I think, would I swap the family I have, for my Famous Family???? Honestly, I don’t think I ever would! Don’t get me wrong, my family can be royal pains in the butt sometimes, but they are still MY family. All with our own little quirks, pet hates about each other. But as I said, that family will be the only true one you ever have, so make sure you do cherish those people. Cause once they’re gone, they can never be replaced. Friends will come and go, but your family is always there. No matter how far away you go, your family is always the same crazy, lovable, annoyingly stubborn, funny bunch of people you’ll ever be able to call yours!!
My Crazy Bunch, when I was aged One:
Every girl wants to be liked by men……that’s a given. But one question that I seem to be asking myself more and more is, do I want to liked more for my brains or my beauty???
At school I was never anything special to look at. I was just normal. I wasn’t part of the IT crowd with all the pretty girls. I never had boyfriends at school. In fact I didn’t have my first real proper boyfriend until I was 17!! Because of this I have never really thought of myself as pretty. Over the last few years though (and this isn’t a big-headed comment) I seem to have been paid more attention for my looks (though I bet it’s not really my looks it’s more the 2 things attached to the front of me lol). It has been nice though. getting attention. Any woman who says she doesn’t is a liar!!
Here comes the problem. All the attention I get is because of how I look, because these people don’t really know me. Should this be taken as a compliment or an insult?? On one hand, it’s a compliment that they think I’m beautiful, sexy, pretty, whatever they say. On the other, it’s a bit insulting, as they are basing everything purely on looks.
Deep down I would rather someone get to know me, and then tell me I was beautiful etc cause at least then they know me as they complete package.
But would you prefer to be liked for your brains or your beauty??
They say people make judgements within 3 secs of meeting someone based on their looks. Does this mean that if you’re pretty you would get further on in life? That if you were the brains of Britain, but not that attractive, you would get held back?
There is so much based around how people should look, what they should wear, how they should have their hair……Whatever happened to getting to know people??
Every single person is beautiful and have brains in their own way…….people just need to look deeper than what’s on the outside!
This question has been rolling round in my brain for the last few weeks. How much is one person meant to take, before they say enough is enough???
Relationships are never plain sailing, that’s a given, but that’s what I thought was part of being a couple. Working together, getting through those problems, not having to deal with them on your own. What happens when the lines of communications completely breaks down??
How long do you stay with someone if you know deep down it’s not working out?
There are so many questions, but no set rules for something like this. So what if you make that choice to walk away, but the other person won’t? Granted most break ups get messy at some point, but if someone loves you, surely they should let you go if they know it will make you happy, when they can’t anymore?
There needs to be a break up Rules and Regulations hand book, starting with;
RULE 1: If you know you’ve fucked up, don’t complain when you’re dumped!
So how much really is too much? Answers on a postcard please!!!……….
Don’t you love the way, people have there own ideas about you, and how you live your life? How everyone knows what’s best for you, and in the same breath will always bring your misgivings forward to the world.
But how about when these people really don’t have a clue. They claim to know you and have your best interest at heart, but you know deep down that that’s a load of crap. They don’t know you at all. They don’t know whats best for you, they only know how they want you to be, that works out best for them. When deep down, you know, that they wouldn’t make it a yard in your shoes, let alone a mile!
Everyone has preconceptions, but when it comes to those close to you, surely those judgements should stop, once you really get to know a person?
I have never been good with people telling me what I can and can’t do,but when someone starts demanding what I should and shouldn’t be doing, that’s when I start to get angry! Who the hell has the right to tell you what to do?? We are our own individual people. Yes, people can easily advise but should never try to control and manipulate into getting you to do what they want. Those people are weak. So weak that they feel the need to control others just to form a sense of control. So how is it we can get sucked in by them so easily???
I’ve always felt myself as quite a strong person, so why is it recently I have begun questioning everything I do due to one person, and how they make me feel. I actually feel like I’m doing something wrong with being ill!! Jesus, if I could honestly be well, trust me, I would. But unfortunatley that’s not meant to be at the moment. I feel like a really bad person though! When I’m on my own I’m fine, but when i’m with this other person, it’s like all my rational thoughts decide to leave my brain. Deep down I know what they are saying is absolutely ridiculous, but still it plays on your mind for a long long time, and then you really do begin doubting yourself?!?!
Surely this isn’t healthy though??? On either sides!!
Control can lead to such anger, unhappiness and even danger. So why do we put up with it when we know it’s so wrong? Every person would proberly have a different answer from the next. Mine, I suppose, is because there is so much other chaos, maybe one day it will start controlling the bad things in my life and making more sense of those things. We need to remember though, not everything can be controlled. Some things shouldn’t be messed with, and human emotions are definately one of them!!
The Beatles once sang, ‘All you need is Love’. I think it should of been, ‘All you need is EMPATHY’!!!
Has anyone been watchin The Big C on More4???? I was slightly dubious about it, as its dealin with quite a tough issue, but with humour added in. But I watched it, and can honestly say I really like it!!
So for those who don’t know what it is, The Big C refers to Cancer. Its based on a woman who is diagnosed with breast cancer and how she deals with it. What I like about it, is how upbeat it is. Nomally you say the C word and it brings everyone down. Well not this!! Its also funny but without being over the top. In all, I think the writers have done a brilliant job and Laura Linney is superb as Cathy, the woman diagnosed. Basically she doesn’t want it to get her down, so she starts doing everything she’s always wanted to do.
Ok so I know it’s a tv show and in real life things aren’t that simple but it shows such a different side to cancer. How it doesn’t have to be so depressing and mainly how everyone should live their life to the full regardless.
Me and my mum have done the Race For Life for the last 4 years to help raise money for Cancer Research and I really urge every woman to do it, and anyone who can’t, to sponsor someonewho is doing. Hopefully one day they will find a cure and we can get rid of such a vile disease. It seems nowadays everyone is affected by it in some way, whether they have it themself or know someone who has it and those who have been affected in some way will know how hard it is, not only for the patient but for those around them too.
So, here’s a big middle finger to cancer!!!
To those dealing with it, my thoughts and prayers are with you all xxxxxxx
I haven’t posted in a few weeks, mainly cause it’s been a shit few wks!!! (pardon my french)
In the last few weeks I found out that 2 people I went to school with have passed away! 1 i didn’t know to well, but def remember him from school and the other was my first ever boyfriend in middle school.
It seems such a waste of 2 such young lives. This blog is dedicated to both of them xxx RIP Chaz and Shippy xxx
When your at school, life is so easy, you don’t really have any major worries. The saying, school is the best ime f your life, is actually quite true i think. You’re with all your friends, ok so the work sucks but seriously, you don’t have a care in the world. The main worries we had was if our uniforms looked cool enough…..couldnt have more than 3 stripes on ya tie or you were a def geek 😉
Middle school was even more fun!! I can’t remember the exact day that Chaz started school with us but i do remember everyone thought he was the best thing since sliced bread!! He was def a ‘cool’ kid, so if you were friends with him, that made you ‘cool’ too. So i’m talking about nearly 20 years ago, and alot has happened since then, my memories are vauge but one thing i will never forget is his smile! Man, he could have made you so so mad, but as soon as he smiled, you forgot what it was that he had even done!! One of the main stresses in middle school was over him. He went between me and my best firend, Carly, like there was no tomorrow…..but ya no what, me and her never fell out over it. Not like nowadays, if a guy was to do that. Now we would either kick him to the curb or end up breaking the friendship. But no, we never did., he had the charm. He was the first boy i ever kissed (sorry mum and dad if ya reading this lol). There was normally 4 or 5 of us who played kiss chase, and every girl wanted to be the one that he caught. In short, he was the original ‘Lovable Rogue’.
So a few weeks ago i thought i would look him up on facebook and he see what he had been up to, the last thing i expected to find was a memorial page for him! Shock doesn’t evn come close to it. I felt my whole stomach drop. I will always remember him, and the memories I have will keep him alive to me. I just wish I had had the chance to say a final goodbye to him. So here it is, Goodbye Chaz, you will forever be in my heart and thoughts xxx
With Shippy, I didn’t really know him to well, although around school we said hi but that was it. I do remember he always had a smile on his face and was always surrounded by so many people. He was def popular to say the least. His funeral was today, but I didn’t think it was my place to go though. Hundreds of people attended though, which goes to show how loved he was.
It seems like death is some kind of epidemic. When I was at school, I thought death was for the old and frail. Unfortunatley I know better now. Not that its any kind of comfort. I just wish i could rewind time, maybe something could of helped them both. They were both so loved, and will continue to live on in the hearts of so many people.
Sleep tight the pair of ya…..and Chaz, till we meet again, keep smiling
Pretty much every child has seen atleast 1 Disney film in their life. Me though, I watch them pretty much everyday haha. Being stuck in bed everyday, you can’t do much but watch films, and Disney always seems to cheer me up (todays it’s Cinderella).
BUT, watching them so often has made me think (like most things!). Why do we find them so cheerful, when actually they are filled with single parent families, cruelty and evilness!!!!
Belle, Ariel, Cinderella come from 1 parent families while Aladdin and Lilo have no parents at all. Then there’s all the villians – Gastone, Ursula, Mufassa and Wicked Stepmothers. Made me realise, although they are stories, the basic principles are very close to nowaday lives and families. Maybe thats why we all enjoy them? The fact we can actually empathise with the characters!
Haha now I know everyone is probabley laughing that I’ve thought so deeply into this, but hey, what else am I meant to do with my time!!
The moral of all the stories is though, that True Love always provails!!! So maybe if we all start wishing upon stars, then we can end up with a Disney fairytale ending…..here’s hoping!!!
Dear Grandad Sid,
Even after this time has passed, I still think of you everyday. Weird huh 😉 but there always seems to be something that reminds me of you, whether its seeing a Mike Reid or Morcombe and Wise sketch, or hearing Frankie Boy singing it His Way, or even just walking past your photograph in the front room. Every night I say Good Night to you, and hope you hear me.
I never realised what it would be like to loose someone who was so prominent in my life, i suppose I took it for granted you would always be here, but now you’re gone, and it still doesn’t seem to have sunk in properly!
We are doing our best to look after Nanny, although she is still to come see my flat! lol i’ll def make sure she does though, cause I don’t want her missing out on anything either!
The one thing that makes me really sad, is the fact that you won’t get to see me walking down the aisle when I get married, in person I mean, as I know you are always looking down on me, looking after me. I think you and Ritch would of got on brilliantly though, you would def approve of him……I hope!!!
Whenever we saw each other, you always said I must of been born under a lucky star…..hmmmmm i’m doubting that at the moment, but now you’re up above, I know I have my lucky star now, you!
I will always regret though, not coming to see you more often whilst you were ill, and I am so sorry for that. I hope you forgive me, if i could change it i would. We still had loads of good times though, which I will never forget. Going through all the old photo albums with you, christmas’ at Western Avenue, you and Uncle Stevie coming over with sweets on Thu evenings 😀 I could proberly go on and on. This is because you were the perfect grandad! The World’s Greatest Grandad!!!
I will never forget you and you will be in my heart and my thoughts every single day, until the time we are reunited. Keep singing up there and looking after Steven Michael.
Love you always and forever,