Telling It The Way I See It

Well the new year is upon us now and I can’t tell you how glad I am. To say that 2011 was a bad year would be the understatement of the century!! So, fingers crossed, this year will be much better! Though I’ve probably just cursed myself saying that lol!!

Now, when it comes to new years resolutions, I’ve thought long and hard about this subject. I didn’t want to make one, that I knew, deep down, I would never actually keep. So, my resolution is to become a person that I actually like and want to be. How do I do this though??? I need to become a strong person, to know and understand myself. To be able to have the confidence in my own decisions and not let people make me feel bad for wanting to do what I want to. Its my life and no one else can run it for me and no one else has the right to make me feel bad for being happy. I will also be a lot more aware of people and their intentions. Whether it be friends or boyfriends, a lot of people are out there to hurt you and use you. Those are the sort of people I will be watching out for a lot more carefully, cause I refuse to let myself be used ever again by anyone. The main point I need to stick to though is to stay positive. If I continue to concentrate on the negativity around me, then I will be bogged down and continue the way I am now.Yes I will have days that things will still get to me, but I need to find the positive of the situation and if there is none, to just move on. If something’s not going right, I need to take a step back and reassess, pick myself up, dust of and try again! My aim is to grow as a person and without all of the above, none of this will happen.

So here’s to the New Year, I hope it brings you all you hope for, for a healthy, happy and prosperous new year to you all xx


The other day I decided to read through my blog so far, and I realised that I started it about this time last year. Suddenly, I felt like time had escaped me! Where has the year gone? Wasn’t my birthday just a month or so back?? The fact that time has passed so quickly actually frightened me!
It then got me to thinking, they say that time flies when you’re having fun, so have I had a fun year? Haha that must be the biggest joke I’ve heard in a long time. Not that it’s all been bad……just the majority. Maybe it’s not so much time flies when you’re having fun, but more of time flies, when you’re flying by the seat of your pants??? Cause that’s how the last 365 days has seemed. That it’s all been non stop, even on my bad days when I couldn’t or wouldn’t get out of bed. Does this make sense to anyone? Or am I sounding like the Crazy Lady again??
I started off by thinking where I was this time last year. Well, I was engaged to the man I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had a job, ok technically I was employed, but was off sick, but still I had a job. Therefore, I had a wage coming in. I’m sure I had just had surgery too, or had one coming up ( I’ve had so many now, I’m really starting to loose track ) So all in all, things could have been alot worse. To recap myself of things, I dug my journal out, the one I stopped writing when I actually started depressing myself with what I was putting down on the pages! Feburary was a bad month for my depression ( or Borderline Personality Disorder as my shrink thinks ) I suppose the good thing about it being February though, is that it’s the shortest month! I honestly felt like I was drowning. Nothing particular was going on, but my paranoia was working overtime, majorly! Ritch couldn’t go to work or even go to a shop without me accusing him of god knows what. How he didn’t leave me first I will never know?? Maybe one day I’ll be able to ask him? The next 3 months weren’t great either as I was back on the hormone injections. Hot flushes, more mood swings, a 3 month long headache ahhhhh what a joyus time…..I don’t think!! If they ever even mention Zolodex ever again to me, I will have to leave the building before they finish the sentance, or you may be seeing me on the news, Wanted for Murder! lol May was the Engagement Party, blimey, that really doesn’t seem that long ago. At the time I never wanted to say anything bad about my relationship, or anything or anyone to do with my relationship. Now though, I realise it’s healthy to show some sort of emotion, and I’m getting better at it I promise 😉 The party was quite a joke to be honest. His family in one area, my mums lot in another area and dads lot in another. It was like being at a school disco where the kids don’t want to mix. The whole night seemed like it was over in half an hour, and the whole time I didn’t eat one thing that I had spent so long making, or even finish my first drink. I was too busy running round trying to make sure everyone was ok and nothing would kick off. unfortunately, we all knew that one of Ritchs brothers would say or do something and true to form one of them did. From that moment on, they were in my bad books permanently! The rest of the year has pretty much ben filled up with Drs appointments and hospital appointments and operations. Great fun huh?!
So where am I know? Well I’m no longer engaged, I don’t have a job, I’ve been told I’ll be in chronic pain for the rest of my life, most likely, until I have a hysterectomy and my depression/BPD still plays havoc with me at times! Why the hell was I on such a downer before?? Jeeees, I had it better then than I do know! I’ve discovered the secret……TIME! Although it may fly by at am alarming rate, it can also be a great healer (yes, I know how cliched I sound right now!) Time is also useful to us to, not just heal things, but those niggely things that will never heal, well we learn how to cope atleast. Yeah we all have off days, some of us worse than others, but we should be grateful for the time we do have. At the point that time scares you, it’s then time to take a step back and actually say to yourself, What The Fuck??? Ok, so things may not always be fun but I would rather it be like that, than to be afraid of ever looking at a calender!!

{September 9, 2011}   I really don’t like frogs!

This is something I have heard for years, and even say it to people myself. But the last few months has made me realised ‘I really don’t like frogs!!’ When they say you may have to kiss SEVERAL, how many is that?? 1-5?? 6-10?? blimey are we talking 50+??? Am well and truly fed up of frogs!!

I don’t think of myself as a greedy person, what I do believe in is treating people the way you expect to be treated!

Seriously, I don’t understand frogs?? (that’s my new name for those dodgy men out there) I don’t get how they can lie so easily? I don’t get how they find it acceptable to treat a woman like something they just wiped off the bottom of their shoe, or worse? How they can sleep around behind someone’s back, and have no remorse what so ever?? The ones who are only with you for what they can get out of you?? These frogs are the lowest of lows! and I def have seen all types.

What happened to Romance? Monogamy?? There seems to be a new breed of frogs for the 20th century….The Prick Frog! The ones who lure you in with every promise under the sun, then never deliver and make you feel like the biggest mug going! All woman have had one of these new breeds, in my case, I’ve had far too many!

Like I said, I’m not a greedy person and after 27 years on this earth, I know that princes don’t actually exist, but how hard is it to find someone who will ; treat you with respect, hug you when your down, love you unconditionally, turn down those other woman for you, someone who will protect me, that won’t throw anything back in my face, someone who def would never lay a finger on me. Someone who will put me first. The guy that will treat me like a princess. Surely that’s not alot to ask, but apparently, in the 20th century, it is!! All they are after is how much they can get from you, and how soon, just so they can have a brag. Def beginning there could be something to this whole no sex till after your married! May go with that I think, then no one will get the wrong idea about me, and I won’t get stuck with a Prick Frog again!

I could rant on and on for hours, but it won’t ever change a thing! These frogs will always be frogs and it’s best to just stay away from them full stop. Hell I think I’d rather be single for the rest of my life if it means not having to deal with one of these types of creeps ever again.

Maybe they should just take a step back and think. You may have a daughter one day, and how would you feel if they met a guy that treated them like that. Food for thought huh………

This has to be one of my ‘All Time Great Sayings’. Mainly because it’s so true, but it can be taken in two ways…..well I think it can be anyway 😛

On the one hand, it can mean you have brilliant family, but should maybe be slightly more aware of the kind of company you keep.

On the other though, it can mean that ATLEAST you can pick your friends as the family you have, shall we say, leave a lot to be desired!

Mainly if I say it, it’s because someone in my family has really wound me up ( love you all really!! ) But no matter what happens they are still my family, and maybe more people should have a better tolerance with family members, because they’re the only ones you’re ever going to have!

Family is very important to me. I would do absolutely anything for my mum, dad, step parents, brother and sisters ( well most of them haha ). I can’t explain how I feel inside if someone upsets them. It’s like a massive rage boils up inside me to the point, that whoever has upset them, is better off staying out of my way or their head may end up somewhere the sun doesn’t shine lol. The worst thing is though, it doesn’t feel like a natural feeling. Not that you shouldn’t, I mean it actually scares me!! I remember speaking to my dad ages and ages ago ad he said he had been into a furniture store, a heated discussion started and as my dad was walking out, the Sales Assistant called him something very unpleasant. As soon as he told me this, my first thought was to go up to said furniture store and see how the guy liked having ‘not nice’ stuff said to him. Then it got to, if I go up there, heads will roll, then it moves on to the upset. Bet you’re all thinking I’m mad now. But seriously I ended up crying cause of it all and how bad it made me feel that someone had upset my family. Even when I was younger I was the same though. I can’t remember exactly what had happened but when I was in secondary school, I somehow found out that my sister had an argument or something, or someone had a go at her. Now she may be 3 years older than me, but I made a point to go up to this girl and tell her, never to speak to my sister like that ever again. I do remember swearing a lot, cause the older girl kept threatening to tell my mum that I had sworn, so I’m guessing I was proberly only about 12 at the time. Maybe I feel overly protective  of them all, even my older brother whose 5 years older than me, I worry about him all the time. I like to check his girlfriends out, make sure they are ok for him haha.

All in all, I love my family to bits……..although there are times I could quite happily kill some of them haha. My older sister, Lyndsey and me have never quite seen eye to eye on pretty much everything. In fact if we weren’t related I know I’m not the sort of person she would pick as a friends and visa versa. We would argue like mad about anything pretty much, until normally one of us ended up in tears. Our Grandma always said to us, that as we grew up, we would become better friends and realise how important we are to each other and actually grow to ‘like’ each other. She may have had a slight point. Ok, we are certainly not best pals, but I think we have a better tolerance with each other now haha. We can last about 20 minutes in the room together now, as opposed to 10, before one of us is in tears lol, and I’m pretty sure Lyndsey doesn’t have to pretend one of us is dying in 24 hrs anymore just to be nice to me hahaha (hmmmmmm I will double-check though)

So where am I going with all this?? Ummmmmmm not 100% sure now haha (it is 4:15 AM though) Ah, ok, so really I’m wondering. If you could pick your family, would you?

I have my own ‘Famous Family’ (please someone else have one too or I will sound mad!!) My famous family, is pretty much what it says on the tin! It’s who my family would be if I could pick famous people. So my dad, would have to be Ray Liotta. I mean come on, how cool would he be to have as a dad. Know one would EVER mess with you!! Then Sarah Jessica Parker would be an awesome aunt and Tommy Lee Jones would be a fantastic Grandpa….so on and so on, you get the idea. This is just a little game I play with myself though. Then the more I think, would I swap the family I have, for my Famous Family???? Honestly, I don’t think I ever would! Don’t get me wrong, my family can be royal pains in the butt sometimes, but they are still MY family. All with our own little quirks, pet hates about each other. But as I said, that family will be the only true one you ever have, so make sure you do cherish those people. Cause once they’re gone, they can never be replaced. Friends will come and go, but your family is always there. No matter how far away you go, your family is always the same crazy, lovable, annoyingly stubborn, funny bunch of people you’ll ever be able to call yours!!

My Crazy Bunch, when I was aged One:

{August 23, 2011}   Brains vs Beauty

Every girl wants to be liked by men……that’s a given. But one question that I seem to be asking myself more and more is, do I want to liked more for my brains or my beauty???

At school I was never anything special to look at. I was just normal. I wasn’t part of the IT crowd with all the pretty girls. I never had boyfriends at school. In fact I didn’t have my first real proper boyfriend until I was 17!! Because of this I have never really thought of myself as pretty. Over the last few years though (and this isn’t a big-headed comment) I seem to have been paid more attention for my looks (though I bet it’s not really my looks it’s more the 2 things attached to the front of me lol). It has been nice though. getting attention. Any woman who says she doesn’t is a liar!!

Here comes the problem. All the attention I get is because of how I look, because these people don’t really know me. Should this be taken as a compliment or an insult?? On one hand, it’s a compliment that they think I’m beautiful, sexy, pretty, whatever they say. On the other, it’s a bit insulting, as they are basing everything purely on looks.

Deep down I would rather someone get to know me, and then tell me I was beautiful etc cause at least then they know me as they complete package.

But would you prefer to be liked for your brains or your beauty??

They say people make judgements within 3 secs of meeting someone based on their looks. Does this mean that if you’re pretty you would get further on in life? That if you were the brains of Britain, but not that attractive, you would get held back?

There is so much based around how people should look, what they should wear, how they should have their hair……Whatever happened to getting to know people??

Every single person is beautiful and have brains in their own way…….people just need to look deeper than what’s on the outside!

{August 16, 2011}   How much is too much???

This question has been rolling round in my brain for the last few weeks. How much is one person meant to take, before they say enough is enough???

Relationships are never plain sailing, that’s a given, but that’s what I thought was part of being a couple. Working together, getting through those problems, not having to deal with them on your own. What happens when the lines of communications completely breaks down??

How long do you stay with someone if you know deep down it’s not working out?

There are so many questions, but no set rules for something like this. So what if  you make that choice to walk away, but the other person won’t? Granted most break ups get messy at some point, but if someone loves you, surely they should let you go if they know it will make you happy, when they can’t anymore?

There needs to be a break up Rules and Regulations hand book, starting with;

RULE 1: If you know you’ve fucked up, don’t complain when you’re dumped!

So how much really is too much? Answers on a postcard please!!!……….


A few of you may know that I have started my first book. It’s all a bit scary to be honest!

I thought I would use my blog to give people a sneak preview, and get some feedback so far. It’s a fictional story, untitled as yet, about a young girl, her life and her ties to a house…..prob not the best explanation, but please read my preview and give me your honest opinion…..even if you think it absolutely sucks!!!!

So, here it is……..

With the sun blazing down on her skin, the breeze blowing 
through her hair ad the sound of silence ringing in her ears, 
Claudia was in heaven. The smell of cut grass, making her sneeze, 
couldn't even put her off. She was in paradise! Claudia didn't need 
fancy holidays. Not all the time she had her Grandmother Rose. 
 Granny Rose had been in the house long before Claudia was born, even 
before her father was born. The house was a modest bungalow, set just
outside of town. It was nothing special to anyone walking past but as 
soon as Claudia walked up the driveway, she instantley felt safe. This 
was her haven. The same smell that hit her when she walked through the 
front door, a strange mixture of flowers and TCP, was oddly comforting.
The garden, once a beautiful array of flowers and plants was now over 
grown and jungle looking, was still a sanctuary through the eyes of the 
25 year old. As a grown woman now, this building still had the ability 
to return her to her childhood, back to the days when she was happy, 
back to a time when everything was right. Not like now, where it was 
all so mixed up. 
 Claudia knew, the day they lost that house, would be 
the day she lost everything. Surely that would never happen though...would it???...... 

{August 11, 2011}   Living the Dream!!

It seems to me, that nowadays, more and more people are starting their own business’.  Good on ’em, I say!!

With so few jobs at the moment, and the people that do have them, all seem to be moaning, what’s to stop you from living your dream??

I shared a business before with an ex partner, and I can safely say (apart from the ex 😉 ) it has to be the best job I ever had!! We ran a gym together, and the atmosphere was brilliant! I really did try my best with it, and it’s prob the only thing I do miss about that time in my life lol (well theres prob a few other bits, im not that nasty!) Because the only way to make money was through ourselves, it made me more determined to work, not to slack off.

Unfortunately, for me, that dream failed (although from stories I’ve heard, the gyms not exactly doing great either lol). So, what would be my dream now then?? To write. Write blogs, write articles, write interviews, write books……write anything!!!

I have started my first book. Slowly but surely it’s coming along, I just hope that when it is finally finished, people will like it! In the mean time, I’ll be doing anything I can to work on getting a good portfolio together (so if anyone needs a review or interview or anything, let me no hehe). As well as making my baby blankets to make a small bit of money just to tide myself over (again if anyone wants a blanket made, let me no).

So, good luck to everyone who has decided to go it alone. You def having my best wishes that it all works out! It may seem tough at times, but if you really believe in it, keep going and don’t let anyone or anything get in your way. After all, it’s your life and you should be able to live your dream! Just remember,  It’s a tough job…..but someone’s gotta do it 😉

Don’t you  love the way, people have there own ideas about you, and how you live your life? How everyone knows what’s best for you, and in the same breath will always bring your misgivings forward to the world.

But how about when these people really don’t have a clue. They claim to know you and have your best interest at heart, but you know deep down that that’s a load of crap. They don’t know you at all. They don’t know whats best for you, they only know how they want you to be, that works out best for them. When deep down, you know, that they wouldn’t make it a yard in your shoes, let alone a mile!

Everyone has preconceptions, but when it comes to those close to you, surely those judgements should stop, once you really get to know a person?

I have never been good with people telling me what I can and can’t do,but when someone starts demanding what I should and shouldn’t be doing, that’s when I start to get angry! Who the hell has the right to tell you what to do?? We are our own individual people. Yes, people can easily advise but should never try to control and manipulate into getting you to do what they want. Those people are weak. So weak that they feel the need to control others just to form a sense of control. So how is it we can get sucked in by them so easily???

I’ve always felt myself as quite a strong person, so why is it recently I have begun questioning everything I do due to one person, and how they make me feel. I actually feel like I’m doing something wrong with being ill!! Jesus, if I could honestly be well, trust me, I would. But unfortunatley that’s not meant to be at the moment. I feel like a really bad person though! When I’m on my own I’m fine, but when i’m with this other person, it’s like all my rational thoughts decide to leave my brain. Deep down I know what they are saying is absolutely ridiculous, but still it plays on your mind for a long long time, and then you really do begin doubting yourself?!?!

Surely this isn’t healthy though??? On either sides!!

Control can lead to such anger, unhappiness and even danger. So why do we put up with it when we know it’s so wrong? Every person would proberly have a different answer from the next. Mine, I suppose, is because there is so much other chaos, maybe one day it will start controlling the bad things in my life and making more sense of those things. We need to remember though, not everything can be controlled. Some things shouldn’t be messed with, and human emotions are definately one of them!!

The Beatles once sang, ‘All you need is Love’. I think it should of been, ‘All you need is EMPATHY’!!!

{June 15, 2011}   A Sign of Things to come????

Everyone knows how much having children means to me, but if the last few days are anything to go by, I think I can honestly say I would be a rubbish mum!!! lol

My mum has been a foster carer for the last 7 months and I am listed as one of her support people to help her out. She has 3 children at the moment and I take one of them to school and pick them up everyday.

The week started well when I over slept and, as a result, didn’t end up taking him. Leaving my mum to juggle the 3 of them, taking them to different schools. I then thought I’d make sure I was there for as soon as he finished so arrived at the school, ready for 3:15…….only to be told there was an after school activity till 4:15!!! Twat doesn’t even come close to what I was calling myself!!

So the next 2 days have been ok, but I can honestly say, the early mornings are actually killing me!!! Anyone who knows me, know I’m not a morning person, so having to get up at 7am every morning is my worst nightmare!!!!!! I get back from the school run and need to have a nap!! How bad is that?!?!?!?

Is this is a sign of what kind of mum I’d be??? Am I gonna be that awful??? I’m sure every mum to be worries about if they will do a good job but I’m only helping out, and I can’t even get that right!!!

Through all this though, I can say how proud I am of my mum and step dad for doing what they do. It’s definatley not an easy job but so so rewarding at the same time. There’s so many children out there that need a loving, safe and stable home but don’t have it. So for anyone to take someone elses child in and looks after them or even bring them up in a long term arrangement are great people and it’s a shame there’s not more people willing to do it.

 My mum is a great person anyway but this just shows me how much of a special person is and I’m proud to call her my mum!!!

et cetera