Telling It The Way I See It













The other day I decided to read through my blog so far, and I realised that I started it about this time last year. Suddenly, I felt like time had escaped me! Where has the year gone? Wasn’t my birthday just a month or so back?? The fact that time has passed so quickly actually frightened me!
It then got me to thinking, they say that time flies when you’re having fun, so have I had a fun year? Haha that must be the biggest joke I’ve heard in a long time. Not that it’s all been bad……just the majority. Maybe it’s not so much time flies when you’re having fun, but more of time flies, when you’re flying by the seat of your pants??? Cause that’s how the last 365 days has seemed. That it’s all been non stop, even on my bad days when I couldn’t or wouldn’t get out of bed. Does this make sense to anyone? Or am I sounding like the Crazy Lady again??
I started off by thinking where I was this time last year. Well, I was engaged to the man I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had a job, ok technically I was employed, but was off sick, but still I had a job. Therefore, I had a wage coming in. I’m sure I had just had surgery too, or had one coming up ( I’ve had so many now, I’m really starting to loose track ) So all in all, things could have been alot worse. To recap myself of things, I dug my journal out, the one I stopped writing when I actually started depressing myself with what I was putting down on the pages! Feburary was a bad month for my depression ( or Borderline Personality Disorder as my shrink thinks ) I suppose the good thing about it being February though, is that it’s the shortest month! I honestly felt like I was drowning. Nothing particular was going on, but my paranoia was working overtime, majorly! Ritch couldn’t go to work or even go to a shop without me accusing him of god knows what. How he didn’t leave me first I will never know?? Maybe one day I’ll be able to ask him? The next 3 months weren’t great either as I was back on the hormone injections. Hot flushes, more mood swings, a 3 month long headache ahhhhh what a joyus time…..I don’t think!! If they ever even mention Zolodex ever again to me, I will have to leave the building before they finish the sentance, or you may be seeing me on the news, Wanted for Murder! lol May was the Engagement Party, blimey, that really doesn’t seem that long ago. At the time I never wanted to say anything bad about my relationship, or anything or anyone to do with my relationship. Now though, I realise it’s healthy to show some sort of emotion, and I’m getting better at it I promise 😉 The party was quite a joke to be honest. His family in one area, my mums lot in another area and dads lot in another. It was like being at a school disco where the kids don’t want to mix. The whole night seemed like it was over in half an hour, and the whole time I didn’t eat one thing that I had spent so long making, or even finish my first drink. I was too busy running round trying to make sure everyone was ok and nothing would kick off. unfortunately, we all knew that one of Ritchs brothers would say or do something and true to form one of them did. From that moment on, they were in my bad books permanently! The rest of the year has pretty much ben filled up with Drs appointments and hospital appointments and operations. Great fun huh?!
So where am I know? Well I’m no longer engaged, I don’t have a job, I’ve been told I’ll be in chronic pain for the rest of my life, most likely, until I have a hysterectomy and my depression/BPD still plays havoc with me at times! Why the hell was I on such a downer before?? Jeeees, I had it better then than I do know! I’ve discovered the secret……TIME! Although it may fly by at am alarming rate, it can also be a great healer (yes, I know how cliched I sound right now!) Time is also useful to us to, not just heal things, but those niggely things that will never heal, well we learn how to cope atleast. Yeah we all have off days, some of us worse than others, but we should be grateful for the time we do have. At the point that time scares you, it’s then time to take a step back and actually say to yourself, What The Fuck??? Ok, so things may not always be fun but I would rather it be like that, than to be afraid of ever looking at a calender!!




I heard this in a film and it reall got me thinking. Mainly, how true it was.

There always seems to be different versions and though they may contain some truth, something always gets twisted, added or forgotten. Sometimes a version is a complete and utter lie!! What people tend to forget though is that to be a good liar – you have to be extremely clever!! Unfortunately, alot of liars aren’t. Hence why so many people get hurt!

Now we all tell a little white lie every now and then (if you say you don’t, that’s a lie there!) Whether it be telling a friend they look great, when really their new dress makes them look like a fat mess, to telling a guy you’re washing your hair when you don’t want to go out with them!

Why do we do it though? Whatever happened to honesty being the best policy??When do we know to tell a lie and when not too??? And do we realise how much a lie can hurt others????

Ok, so I’m getting slightly off topic, but deep down, it’s lies that it comes down to.

But when it comes to men and women, it seems that we vary greatly, on this subject. Which is why I loved this quote so much! Going back to the examples I used earlier, how many guys have told a girl that their bum DOES look big in those jeans, that their muffin tops ARE hanging out and to go and get changed? Quite alot if they’re anything like the men I know! But a lot of woman would tell their friend that she looks lovely, or not to worry? But then a man can easily lie about relationship related issues, where as women are more likely to be more open and honest (remember this is the way I see it, not fact, before anyone starts moaning at me)

So it would seem, that men and women lie depending on subject. Does this still make it right though??? Why can’t there be only one side to every story? The Truth!! Who are we to judge if and when it’s ok to make up our own version? Surely in the long run, the truth is the best option all round??

Until then, we’ll just have to make do with the 3 stories and trust our own instincts and hope we believe the correct version!!



{September 20, 2011}   Enjoying your own company?!?!

So I have now joined the ‘Single Club’ after over 3 years of being in a relationship. Do I like it?????? I actually think I do!!

Don’t get me wrong I love being in a relationship. Someone to share everything with, to be there for you, someone to laugh with. But when you’re in a relationship and none of this happens, its definitley better to be on your own.

When I was younger, I absolutely hated my own company. If I was on my own for more than about 20 minutes I’d be going crazy!!! It felt wrong somehow, I couldn’t just sit and watch TV like a normal person, cause I felt like I should have been doing something, if that makes any kind of sense. I had the same thing when Ritch went. I just stood in my front room and thought ‘what now’??? I’ve never really been on my own though, bad as it sounds, I seem to have to have gone from one relationship straight to another, since I was 17! The longest has probably been about 2 weeks!!

So now I’m in the most important relationship anyone should ever have………with yourself!!! This time is for me! The clichéd, ‘how can someone love you if you don’t love yourself’ is becoming more understandable now. We all have our own ‘quirks’ as I like to call them, issues, but if we can’t accept them how the hell can we expect someone else to deal with them too?? I know I have a lot to work on myself before I could ever expect someone to be with me, and accept me for exactly who I am. I’m fed up of trying to hide things, change myself, just to make others comfortable. So I’m now learning to accept myself……which is actually a lot harder than I thought it would ever be lol! Because the person I am at the moment, I don’t particularly like. I’ll be the first to admit I have a hell of a lot of ‘quirks’ but I just brush them to one side. Then every now and then something brings them forward and it’s hard to deal with. Especially when you have a partner. It then becomes a part of them too. But if you can’t deal with it, they definitely won’t be able to either.

Ok, I feel like I’m repeating myself so I’ll wrap up my rant 😛

seriously though, people should take a time out and really think, do they like the person they are? Would there be anything you would change? Are you really the happiest you could be? Because remember, this isn’t a trial run, this is our life, and we should enjoy every single second of it. We shouldn’t be constantly living in fear of regrets. Enjoy what we have here and now, and if you’re not happy……change it!! Never be afraid of change!!




This has to be one of my ‘All Time Great Sayings’. Mainly because it’s so true, but it can be taken in two ways…..well I think it can be anyway 😛

On the one hand, it can mean you have brilliant family, but should maybe be slightly more aware of the kind of company you keep.

On the other though, it can mean that ATLEAST you can pick your friends as the family you have, shall we say, leave a lot to be desired!

Mainly if I say it, it’s because someone in my family has really wound me up ( love you all really!! ) But no matter what happens they are still my family, and maybe more people should have a better tolerance with family members, because they’re the only ones you’re ever going to have!

Family is very important to me. I would do absolutely anything for my mum, dad, step parents, brother and sisters ( well most of them haha ). I can’t explain how I feel inside if someone upsets them. It’s like a massive rage boils up inside me to the point, that whoever has upset them, is better off staying out of my way or their head may end up somewhere the sun doesn’t shine lol. The worst thing is though, it doesn’t feel like a natural feeling. Not that you shouldn’t, I mean it actually scares me!! I remember speaking to my dad ages and ages ago ad he said he had been into a furniture store, a heated discussion started and as my dad was walking out, the Sales Assistant called him something very unpleasant. As soon as he told me this, my first thought was to go up to said furniture store and see how the guy liked having ‘not nice’ stuff said to him. Then it got to, if I go up there, heads will roll, then it moves on to the upset. Bet you’re all thinking I’m mad now. But seriously I ended up crying cause of it all and how bad it made me feel that someone had upset my family. Even when I was younger I was the same though. I can’t remember exactly what had happened but when I was in secondary school, I somehow found out that my sister had an argument or something, or someone had a go at her. Now she may be 3 years older than me, but I made a point to go up to this girl and tell her, never to speak to my sister like that ever again. I do remember swearing a lot, cause the older girl kept threatening to tell my mum that I had sworn, so I’m guessing I was proberly only about 12 at the time. Maybe I feel overly protective  of them all, even my older brother whose 5 years older than me, I worry about him all the time. I like to check his girlfriends out, make sure they are ok for him haha.

All in all, I love my family to bits……..although there are times I could quite happily kill some of them haha. My older sister, Lyndsey and me have never quite seen eye to eye on pretty much everything. In fact if we weren’t related I know I’m not the sort of person she would pick as a friends and visa versa. We would argue like mad about anything pretty much, until normally one of us ended up in tears. Our Grandma always said to us, that as we grew up, we would become better friends and realise how important we are to each other and actually grow to ‘like’ each other. She may have had a slight point. Ok, we are certainly not best pals, but I think we have a better tolerance with each other now haha. We can last about 20 minutes in the room together now, as opposed to 10, before one of us is in tears lol, and I’m pretty sure Lyndsey doesn’t have to pretend one of us is dying in 24 hrs anymore just to be nice to me hahaha (hmmmmmm I will double-check though)

So where am I going with all this?? Ummmmmmm not 100% sure now haha (it is 4:15 AM though) Ah, ok, so really I’m wondering. If you could pick your family, would you?

I have my own ‘Famous Family’ (please someone else have one too or I will sound mad!!) My famous family, is pretty much what it says on the tin! It’s who my family would be if I could pick famous people. So my dad, would have to be Ray Liotta. I mean come on, how cool would he be to have as a dad. Know one would EVER mess with you!! Then Sarah Jessica Parker would be an awesome aunt and Tommy Lee Jones would be a fantastic Grandpa….so on and so on, you get the idea. This is just a little game I play with myself though. Then the more I think, would I swap the family I have, for my Famous Family???? Honestly, I don’t think I ever would! Don’t get me wrong, my family can be royal pains in the butt sometimes, but they are still MY family. All with our own little quirks, pet hates about each other. But as I said, that family will be the only true one you ever have, so make sure you do cherish those people. Cause once they’re gone, they can never be replaced. Friends will come and go, but your family is always there. No matter how far away you go, your family is always the same crazy, lovable, annoyingly stubborn, funny bunch of people you’ll ever be able to call yours!!

My Crazy Bunch, when I was aged One:



{August 20, 2011}   Let the music heal your soul…

 

 

 

 

Does anyone else ever listen to a song, and completely relate to the words. Then as time passes, that song becomes known as ‘the time so and so happened’??? Or when you listen to something, you actually feel like there’s someone else in the world that actually understands what you’re going through?? or am I alone on this and now sound crackers???

In the 1998 a song was released called Let the Music Heal your Soul, by the Bravo AllStars. They consisted of: Touche, The Boyz, The Moffattes, Scooter, Aaron Carter, The Backstreet Boys, N’Sync, Mr President, Squeezer, Gil, R’N’G and Blumchen. Ok so I hadn’t heard of a lot some of them either but it was at this point I was going through my Nick Carter / Backstreet Boys obsession. So anything to do with them I wanted to listen to! It seems to have become quite a poignant song in my life though. Some for silly reason, some for more personal reasons.

I was 14 and my life revolved around how I only really had 4 years till I could legally marry Nick Carter. He was actually my life, hell I even went to see Aaron Carter, just in the hope i might bump into Nick there haha (god can’t believe I’m even admitting to this!!!) Music has always been a love in my life. I started learning the flute in middle school (aged 9-10ish). I loved how when I was playing, it seemed like nothing else mattered for those few minutes. I was something I could completely lose myself in. I also loved singing, ok so I might have never been the greatest singer, but I enjoyed it (until my ears buggered, now I still sound like Mariah in my head, not my fault everyone else hears something different!!) This was about the time that I moved into my own room, after my brother moved out, so I felt really grown up too! But also the time, I started to notice that my parents, weren’t quite the same as my friends. My dad sleeping on the sofa. Mum visiting her friend more and more. Mum and Dad not really doing anything together anymore. My sister bout this CD and as soon as I heard it I fell in love with it, especially the karaoke version, so I could sing on my own (Must…Stop….Revealing….All Embarassments!!!!)

“Let the music heal your soul, Let the music take control. Let the music give you, The power to move any mountain”

Even as I’m writing this I’ve got it playing on repeat, for inspiration. It takes me back 13 years (blimey that makes me feel old now!!) I loved the way they sung about how music made me feel. In my head I wasn’t alone, all the time I had music. Prob sounds crazy I know, but it made me feel safe. With helped that Nick was singing in it too, so he was singing it for me (honestly he was I tell you!!)

So, ever since then, I have always seemed to pay attention to songs a lot more carefully and the words. I’ve actually got a slight obsession of googling song words, ok now I’m prob sounding crazy! I love how the way a song can relate so well to your mood though. Whether it be the words or the actual music. It can evoke so many emotions all at once.

Oh if someone writes a song, With a simple rhyme. Just a song, Where his feelings show. And if someone feels the same, about the simple song. Oh sometimes, you can hear them sing. Music gives you happiness or sadness. But it also, it also heals your soul…

Even if I’m feeling sad, lonely or even really happy, I’ll listen to music. It’s like making my own memory bank, but of songs for different moments in my life. I can safely say though. The Bravo AllStars managed to get me through some really good times and yet, some equally bad times.

I’m going through some old bands now as I’m writing this. So many memories are coming to mind. Music can def heal the soul!!

 

 



{August 18, 2011}   Beauty and the Beast

There are some subjects that people don’t like talking about for one reason or another. The whole point of my blog is what I think and how I see things. If people don’t like it…..i’m not forcing them to read it. Not everyone will agree with me and I never say that what I write is fact. It’s just my opinion. So if anyone does get offended at what I write, I apologise BUT you have been warned.

One subject that can be taboo, is domestic abuse, and maybe if more people were willing to talk about it, then maybe it would work towards combatting it!

I have just come out of a ‘volatile’ relationship. Everything I will say here, I have said to him. He is no way a monster but any means, but towards the end, his behaviour was bordering domestic abuse, if not actual abuse. Now, note i say abuse and not violence! There is a very big difference!! He didn’t hit me or anything like that and I want to make that very very VERY clear!! His behaviour over the last few month did really change though. The way he spoke to me (the few times he did speak to me), the things he said. The fact that he earns the money while i was too ill to work became something to throw in my face and hold over me. I’d get accused of cheating over the smallest thing, I was to blame for everything bad that went on, I was to blame for him being in a bad mood, and Mr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, often made appearances, though I would never know when and what would cause it. It would also be made worse by alcohol.

Now reading this, a lot of people would think, surly this is just an angry guy. I’m just saying these were the warning signs for me. But I also want to state that, this behaviour wasn’t constant. We have had some really good times, some great laughs, and whatever, I will always love him. It’s just not healthy for us to be around each other.

I can also say, that making this choice has been one of the hardest I’ve ever had to make. But when speaking to a friend, it all made me start thinking of previous relationships. One boyfriend did go as far as hitting me and biting me if he was in a bad mood. The other 2 major relationships in my life, they have been controlling about what I’d do, wear, go……to the point it was just easier to stay by their side, instead of getting grief. So there’s the pattern.

So how do you get out of that rut???? The first thing, and it sounds sooooo so clichéd, but you have to know that there’s a problem! unfortunately people like that don’t normally tend to change either, cause they never see a problem with their behaviour, or that it’s not their fault. Either way they are not good people to be around.

I’ll admit, I’m at an all time low right now, but I know, long-term, that it’s for the best! Even though he’s upset and angry at the moment too, I hope one day he understands that it makes sense.

The sad thing is, that I know there are woman out there in far worse conditions, and I just hope and pray that they find the strength inside themselves to free them from the cycle. Everytime you forgive, it’s like giving an ok for the behaviour. So to all those woman, I’ll be praying for you all.

And to all those Beasts out there, treating their Beauties like shit!, Grow up!! Get a pair of balls and act like a real man! Cause no man should ever make a woman fear them!!



{August 11, 2011}   Living the Dream!!

It seems to me, that nowadays, more and more people are starting their own business’.  Good on ’em, I say!!

With so few jobs at the moment, and the people that do have them, all seem to be moaning, what’s to stop you from living your dream??

I shared a business before with an ex partner, and I can safely say (apart from the ex 😉 ) it has to be the best job I ever had!! We ran a gym together, and the atmosphere was brilliant! I really did try my best with it, and it’s prob the only thing I do miss about that time in my life lol (well theres prob a few other bits, im not that nasty!) Because the only way to make money was through ourselves, it made me more determined to work, not to slack off.

Unfortunately, for me, that dream failed (although from stories I’ve heard, the gyms not exactly doing great either lol). So, what would be my dream now then?? To write. Write blogs, write articles, write interviews, write books……write anything!!!

I have started my first book. Slowly but surely it’s coming along, I just hope that when it is finally finished, people will like it! In the mean time, I’ll be doing anything I can to work on getting a good portfolio together (so if anyone needs a review or interview or anything, let me no hehe). As well as making my baby blankets to make a small bit of money just to tide myself over (again if anyone wants a blanket made, let me no).

So, good luck to everyone who has decided to go it alone. You def having my best wishes that it all works out! It may seem tough at times, but if you really believe in it, keep going and don’t let anyone or anything get in your way. After all, it’s your life and you should be able to live your dream! Just remember,  It’s a tough job…..but someone’s gotta do it 😉



{June 26, 2011}   Finally got a date!

Woo hoo, I got my letter from the hospital yesterday with a date for my surgery. It’s booked for Tue 4th Oct. So now, I’ll be worrying all the way till then haha.  Atleast it’s not too long though. The time will fly by and then, fingers crossed, I may be sorted!

It also means that my mum will be back off holiday as well so will be able to be there with me. Really hated the thought that she may be away, then I would of had to go on my own. Def didn’t like that idea!!

But for the time being I’m gonna try and put it to the back of my mind. have increased my painkillers, so I can actually get about and do things cause it’s really getting to me being stuck indoors 24/7 with nothing to do and no one to see. Atleast this way I can do a little bit more. I’ll worry about coming off them after the op!

What I’m looking forward to the most, is actually getting my life back on track!! Going to work, earning money, SAVING money lol and generally doing all the things I used to! Fingers and toes crossed it works!!!




I think of mself as quite a nice person. I treat everyone how I expect to be treated, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, I respect people and I trust people! Now, though, it would seem I’m not actually a nice person…….I’m naive! 

‘Naive – having or expressing innocence and credulity’

It seems that a lover can easily say I  love you, and just as easily, fall out of love with you!  A friend can say I love you, and just as easily, stab you in the back! A Parent can say I love you, and just as easily, put everything before you!

So why do we fall for the same line everytime? Whether it be from a friend, family member or a lover??? So much comes with I LOVE YOU, so many promises, that inevitably, the promises will be broken and someone will be let down. This may not be done intentionally BUT it will happen.

Now some people may think I’m being really cynical, but if you really think hard, those you love and trust will have let you down at some point?? Have a think……

It’s so much harder though, when you really do trust that person. It’s as if they have no thought for your feelings and all they do is worry about themselves. Which is why I am a strong believer in looking after number 1, cause honestly, no one else will. Even relying on yourself is risky sometimes. You know you shouldn’t believe / trust yet you do, just to be let down again!

So the only thing we can do is be aware. Aware that people will hurt us, regardless of what they say. Aware that you can’t trust people……….not even yourself!!



{June 15, 2011}   A Sign of Things to come????

Everyone knows how much having children means to me, but if the last few days are anything to go by, I think I can honestly say I would be a rubbish mum!!! lol

My mum has been a foster carer for the last 7 months and I am listed as one of her support people to help her out. She has 3 children at the moment and I take one of them to school and pick them up everyday.

The week started well when I over slept and, as a result, didn’t end up taking him. Leaving my mum to juggle the 3 of them, taking them to different schools. I then thought I’d make sure I was there for as soon as he finished so arrived at the school, ready for 3:15…….only to be told there was an after school activity till 4:15!!! Twat doesn’t even come close to what I was calling myself!!

So the next 2 days have been ok, but I can honestly say, the early mornings are actually killing me!!! Anyone who knows me, know I’m not a morning person, so having to get up at 7am every morning is my worst nightmare!!!!!! I get back from the school run and need to have a nap!! How bad is that?!?!?!?

Is this is a sign of what kind of mum I’d be??? Am I gonna be that awful??? I’m sure every mum to be worries about if they will do a good job but I’m only helping out, and I can’t even get that right!!!

Through all this though, I can say how proud I am of my mum and step dad for doing what they do. It’s definatley not an easy job but so so rewarding at the same time. There’s so many children out there that need a loving, safe and stable home but don’t have it. So for anyone to take someone elses child in and looks after them or even bring them up in a long term arrangement are great people and it’s a shame there’s not more people willing to do it.

 My mum is a great person anyway but this just shows me how much of a special person is and I’m proud to call her my mum!!!



et cetera