The other day I decided to read through my blog so far, and I realised that I started it about this time last year. Suddenly, I felt like time had escaped me! Where has the year gone? Wasn’t my birthday just a month or so back?? The fact that time has passed so quickly actually frightened me!
It then got me to thinking, they say that time flies when you’re having fun, so have I had a fun year? Haha that must be the biggest joke I’ve heard in a long time. Not that it’s all been bad……just the majority. Maybe it’s not so much time flies when you’re having fun, but more of time flies, when you’re flying by the seat of your pants??? Cause that’s how the last 365 days has seemed. That it’s all been non stop, even on my bad days when I couldn’t or wouldn’t get out of bed. Does this make sense to anyone? Or am I sounding like the Crazy Lady again??
I started off by thinking where I was this time last year. Well, I was engaged to the man I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had a job, ok technically I was employed, but was off sick, but still I had a job. Therefore, I had a wage coming in. I’m sure I had just had surgery too, or had one coming up ( I’ve had so many now, I’m really starting to loose track ) So all in all, things could have been alot worse. To recap myself of things, I dug my journal out, the one I stopped writing when I actually started depressing myself with what I was putting down on the pages! Feburary was a bad month for my depression ( or Borderline Personality Disorder as my shrink thinks ) I suppose the good thing about it being February though, is that it’s the shortest month! I honestly felt like I was drowning. Nothing particular was going on, but my paranoia was working overtime, majorly! Ritch couldn’t go to work or even go to a shop without me accusing him of god knows what. How he didn’t leave me first I will never know?? Maybe one day I’ll be able to ask him? The next 3 months weren’t great either as I was back on the hormone injections. Hot flushes, more mood swings, a 3 month long headache ahhhhh what a joyus time…..I don’t think!! If they ever even mention Zolodex ever again to me, I will have to leave the building before they finish the sentance, or you may be seeing me on the news, Wanted for Murder! lol May was the Engagement Party, blimey, that really doesn’t seem that long ago. At the time I never wanted to say anything bad about my relationship, or anything or anyone to do with my relationship. Now though, I realise it’s healthy to show some sort of emotion, and I’m getting better at it I promise 😉 The party was quite a joke to be honest. His family in one area, my mums lot in another area and dads lot in another. It was like being at a school disco where the kids don’t want to mix. The whole night seemed like it was over in half an hour, and the whole time I didn’t eat one thing that I had spent so long making, or even finish my first drink. I was too busy running round trying to make sure everyone was ok and nothing would kick off. unfortunately, we all knew that one of Ritchs brothers would say or do something and true to form one of them did. From that moment on, they were in my bad books permanently! The rest of the year has pretty much ben filled up with Drs appointments and hospital appointments and operations. Great fun huh?!
So where am I know? Well I’m no longer engaged, I don’t have a job, I’ve been told I’ll be in chronic pain for the rest of my life, most likely, until I have a hysterectomy and my depression/BPD still plays havoc with me at times! Why the hell was I on such a downer before?? Jeeees, I had it better then than I do know! I’ve discovered the secret……TIME! Although it may fly by at am alarming rate, it can also be a great healer (yes, I know how cliched I sound right now!) Time is also useful to us to, not just heal things, but those niggely things that will never heal, well we learn how to cope atleast. Yeah we all have off days, some of us worse than others, but we should be grateful for the time we do have. At the point that time scares you, it’s then time to take a step back and actually say to yourself, What The Fuck??? Ok, so things may not always be fun but I would rather it be like that, than to be afraid of ever looking at a calender!!
This is something I have heard for years, and even say it to people myself. But the last few months has made me realised ‘I really don’t like frogs!!’ When they say you may have to kiss SEVERAL, how many is that?? 1-5?? 6-10?? blimey are we talking 50+??? Am well and truly fed up of frogs!!
I don’t think of myself as a greedy person, what I do believe in is treating people the way you expect to be treated!
Seriously, I don’t understand frogs?? (that’s my new name for those dodgy men out there) I don’t get how they can lie so easily? I don’t get how they find it acceptable to treat a woman like something they just wiped off the bottom of their shoe, or worse? How they can sleep around behind someone’s back, and have no remorse what so ever?? The ones who are only with you for what they can get out of you?? These frogs are the lowest of lows! and I def have seen all types.
What happened to Romance? Monogamy?? There seems to be a new breed of frogs for the 20th century….The Prick Frog! The ones who lure you in with every promise under the sun, then never deliver and make you feel like the biggest mug going! All woman have had one of these new breeds, in my case, I’ve had far too many!
Like I said, I’m not a greedy person and after 27 years on this earth, I know that princes don’t actually exist, but how hard is it to find someone who will ; treat you with respect, hug you when your down, love you unconditionally, turn down those other woman for you, someone who will protect me, that won’t throw anything back in my face, someone who def would never lay a finger on me. Someone who will put me first. The guy that will treat me like a princess. Surely that’s not alot to ask, but apparently, in the 20th century, it is!! All they are after is how much they can get from you, and how soon, just so they can have a brag. Def beginning there could be something to this whole no sex till after your married! May go with that I think, then no one will get the wrong idea about me, and I won’t get stuck with a Prick Frog again!
I could rant on and on for hours, but it won’t ever change a thing! These frogs will always be frogs and it’s best to just stay away from them full stop. Hell I think I’d rather be single for the rest of my life if it means not having to deal with one of these types of creeps ever again.
Maybe they should just take a step back and think. You may have a daughter one day, and how would you feel if they met a guy that treated them like that. Food for thought huh………
Every girl wants to be liked by men……that’s a given. But one question that I seem to be asking myself more and more is, do I want to liked more for my brains or my beauty???
At school I was never anything special to look at. I was just normal. I wasn’t part of the IT crowd with all the pretty girls. I never had boyfriends at school. In fact I didn’t have my first real proper boyfriend until I was 17!! Because of this I have never really thought of myself as pretty. Over the last few years though (and this isn’t a big-headed comment) I seem to have been paid more attention for my looks (though I bet it’s not really my looks it’s more the 2 things attached to the front of me lol). It has been nice though. getting attention. Any woman who says she doesn’t is a liar!!
Here comes the problem. All the attention I get is because of how I look, because these people don’t really know me. Should this be taken as a compliment or an insult?? On one hand, it’s a compliment that they think I’m beautiful, sexy, pretty, whatever they say. On the other, it’s a bit insulting, as they are basing everything purely on looks.
Deep down I would rather someone get to know me, and then tell me I was beautiful etc cause at least then they know me as they complete package.
But would you prefer to be liked for your brains or your beauty??
They say people make judgements within 3 secs of meeting someone based on their looks. Does this mean that if you’re pretty you would get further on in life? That if you were the brains of Britain, but not that attractive, you would get held back?
There is so much based around how people should look, what they should wear, how they should have their hair……Whatever happened to getting to know people??
Every single person is beautiful and have brains in their own way…….people just need to look deeper than what’s on the outside!
This question has been rolling round in my brain for the last few weeks. How much is one person meant to take, before they say enough is enough???
Relationships are never plain sailing, that’s a given, but that’s what I thought was part of being a couple. Working together, getting through those problems, not having to deal with them on your own. What happens when the lines of communications completely breaks down??
How long do you stay with someone if you know deep down it’s not working out?
There are so many questions, but no set rules for something like this. So what if you make that choice to walk away, but the other person won’t? Granted most break ups get messy at some point, but if someone loves you, surely they should let you go if they know it will make you happy, when they can’t anymore?
There needs to be a break up Rules and Regulations hand book, starting with;
RULE 1: If you know you’ve fucked up, don’t complain when you’re dumped!
So how much really is too much? Answers on a postcard please!!!……….
Don’t you love the way, people have there own ideas about you, and how you live your life? How everyone knows what’s best for you, and in the same breath will always bring your misgivings forward to the world.
But how about when these people really don’t have a clue. They claim to know you and have your best interest at heart, but you know deep down that that’s a load of crap. They don’t know you at all. They don’t know whats best for you, they only know how they want you to be, that works out best for them. When deep down, you know, that they wouldn’t make it a yard in your shoes, let alone a mile!
Everyone has preconceptions, but when it comes to those close to you, surely those judgements should stop, once you really get to know a person?
I have never been good with people telling me what I can and can’t do,but when someone starts demanding what I should and shouldn’t be doing, that’s when I start to get angry! Who the hell has the right to tell you what to do?? We are our own individual people. Yes, people can easily advise but should never try to control and manipulate into getting you to do what they want. Those people are weak. So weak that they feel the need to control others just to form a sense of control. So how is it we can get sucked in by them so easily???
I’ve always felt myself as quite a strong person, so why is it recently I have begun questioning everything I do due to one person, and how they make me feel. I actually feel like I’m doing something wrong with being ill!! Jesus, if I could honestly be well, trust me, I would. But unfortunatley that’s not meant to be at the moment. I feel like a really bad person though! When I’m on my own I’m fine, but when i’m with this other person, it’s like all my rational thoughts decide to leave my brain. Deep down I know what they are saying is absolutely ridiculous, but still it plays on your mind for a long long time, and then you really do begin doubting yourself?!?!
Surely this isn’t healthy though??? On either sides!!
Control can lead to such anger, unhappiness and even danger. So why do we put up with it when we know it’s so wrong? Every person would proberly have a different answer from the next. Mine, I suppose, is because there is so much other chaos, maybe one day it will start controlling the bad things in my life and making more sense of those things. We need to remember though, not everything can be controlled. Some things shouldn’t be messed with, and human emotions are definately one of them!!
The Beatles once sang, ‘All you need is Love’. I think it should of been, ‘All you need is EMPATHY’!!!
I haven’t posted in a few weeks, mainly cause it’s been a shit few wks!!! (pardon my french)
In the last few weeks I found out that 2 people I went to school with have passed away! 1 i didn’t know to well, but def remember him from school and the other was my first ever boyfriend in middle school.
It seems such a waste of 2 such young lives. This blog is dedicated to both of them xxx RIP Chaz and Shippy xxx
When your at school, life is so easy, you don’t really have any major worries. The saying, school is the best ime f your life, is actually quite true i think. You’re with all your friends, ok so the work sucks but seriously, you don’t have a care in the world. The main worries we had was if our uniforms looked cool enough…..couldnt have more than 3 stripes on ya tie or you were a def geek 😉
Middle school was even more fun!! I can’t remember the exact day that Chaz started school with us but i do remember everyone thought he was the best thing since sliced bread!! He was def a ‘cool’ kid, so if you were friends with him, that made you ‘cool’ too. So i’m talking about nearly 20 years ago, and alot has happened since then, my memories are vauge but one thing i will never forget is his smile! Man, he could have made you so so mad, but as soon as he smiled, you forgot what it was that he had even done!! One of the main stresses in middle school was over him. He went between me and my best firend, Carly, like there was no tomorrow…..but ya no what, me and her never fell out over it. Not like nowadays, if a guy was to do that. Now we would either kick him to the curb or end up breaking the friendship. But no, we never did., he had the charm. He was the first boy i ever kissed (sorry mum and dad if ya reading this lol). There was normally 4 or 5 of us who played kiss chase, and every girl wanted to be the one that he caught. In short, he was the original ‘Lovable Rogue’.
So a few weeks ago i thought i would look him up on facebook and he see what he had been up to, the last thing i expected to find was a memorial page for him! Shock doesn’t evn come close to it. I felt my whole stomach drop. I will always remember him, and the memories I have will keep him alive to me. I just wish I had had the chance to say a final goodbye to him. So here it is, Goodbye Chaz, you will forever be in my heart and thoughts xxx
With Shippy, I didn’t really know him to well, although around school we said hi but that was it. I do remember he always had a smile on his face and was always surrounded by so many people. He was def popular to say the least. His funeral was today, but I didn’t think it was my place to go though. Hundreds of people attended though, which goes to show how loved he was.
It seems like death is some kind of epidemic. When I was at school, I thought death was for the old and frail. Unfortunatley I know better now. Not that its any kind of comfort. I just wish i could rewind time, maybe something could of helped them both. They were both so loved, and will continue to live on in the hearts of so many people.
Sleep tight the pair of ya…..and Chaz, till we meet again, keep smiling
Pretty much every child has seen atleast 1 Disney film in their life. Me though, I watch them pretty much everyday haha. Being stuck in bed everyday, you can’t do much but watch films, and Disney always seems to cheer me up (todays it’s Cinderella).
BUT, watching them so often has made me think (like most things!). Why do we find them so cheerful, when actually they are filled with single parent families, cruelty and evilness!!!!
Belle, Ariel, Cinderella come from 1 parent families while Aladdin and Lilo have no parents at all. Then there’s all the villians – Gastone, Ursula, Mufassa and Wicked Stepmothers. Made me realise, although they are stories, the basic principles are very close to nowaday lives and families. Maybe thats why we all enjoy them? The fact we can actually empathise with the characters!
Haha now I know everyone is probabley laughing that I’ve thought so deeply into this, but hey, what else am I meant to do with my time!!
The moral of all the stories is though, that True Love always provails!!! So maybe if we all start wishing upon stars, then we can end up with a Disney fairytale ending…..here’s hoping!!!
To My Dear Sterling Superkings,
It is now time I think we parted. We have been through many things, happy times, bad times…..but deep down I know you are no good for me. I have wasted years of my life with you. You have, and will continue to, waste years of my life and waste my money, plus the fact that you stink and whenever we’re together you make me smell too!! We are so much better apart, and I hope others stay away from you too. You are not only bad for me, but for everyone you meet! Please please do not ever come back to me, as I am done this time!! Thank you for the times you were there, helping through trying times but I feel I am now a strong enough person to go it alone! I won’t forget you, even though I will do my best too!!
You – my life – my all – farewell, Oh, go on loving me – never doubt, The faithfullest heart Of your beloved L, Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours (Ludwig Van Beethoven)
As a child, I was brought up with the idea of princess’ locked in towers, waiting for their knight in shining armour to come rescue them. So when you grow up and realise that this isn’t the case, it can be slightly disheartening! (Although I’m not quite sure the being locked in a tower bit sounds too good?!?!)
I started reading the book, Love Letters of Great Men and it made me realise how romantic men could actually be. So where are these men now???? Not literally of course, but whatever happened to romance???
So I thought I’d research it. I put ‘ROMANCE’ into Google to see what it brought up??? The first website it brought up……….”How to Write a Love Letter”. Now that kind of says it all really. I thought romance was about emotions and feelings, not what a website tells you to write!
Ok, now in all fairness to the 20th century man, these ‘Great Men’ didn’t have email, telephones and the Royal Mail wasn’t what it is today but still, that’s no excuse!
Men, who were fighting for their country on the front line, would still find the time to sit and write to their lovers. Now that is love and dedication!
Maybe it’s something to do with now a days, women always seem to go for the ‘Bad Boy’, someone please explain that to me????? I’ll be the first one to admit, I’ve done it. Why do we do it??????
You have one guy, who would worship the ground you walk on, if you were locked in a tower he WOULD come and rescue you, he would treat you like the princess you are. Then on the other hand you have the guy who everyone knows (though not always for good reasons), he would put himself before you, if you were locked in a tower, he would have to double check his diary first (you never know there could be a boys night out planned) and he would expect you to treat him like a prince, with you being the servant. So why oh why, do we pick the latter of the 2?????
Everything seems to be about money, who can buy the biggest bunch of flowers, who can take you to the most expensive restaurant, how big the diamond has to be (although I do agree, Diamonds are a girl’s best friend). My ideal date would be a nice little picnic on the beach, watching the sunset. Nothing big and fancy, just 2 people being together, enjoying each other’s company.
Maybe I’m just living in the wrong century……but hey I can still dream……..and wait for that love letter to come through my letter box 😉